Grace
by Skittles Nittles
Summary: She sat on her knees in her closet, broken. He was gone. She had betrayed him, and now...


**A/N & disclimber: **_Hi!  
Um, so this is a Gossip Girl fic. It has not been beta'ed because I don't have a beta person. Sad, really.::sob:: So I'm sorry for all the mistakes and stuff! __  
This is a Chair fic. I mean, like I would read/write anything that involves Nate being the hero or love interest. It's a one-shot about Chuck being dead and how Blair goes through it. And it's AU of course. The timeline is messed up, sorry for that, but just go with it._

She sat on her kneed in her closet, broken. He was gone. She had betrayed him, and now...

No-one would ever see Blair shed any tears. No-one would ever see her broken, even though she was broken beyond repair.

She had gone back to her old habits. Throwing up in the shower was a daily routine and she was used to it by now. She wanted to punish herself and this was the way she knew best. Pretending and lying was what she did second best. She would fake smiles, and hide the flaws. She would appear to be perfect. That was why she was in her closet with only memories of him left to hold.

His death had sent a shockwave through the Upper East Side. Even Gossip Girl had sent out her condolence. After all, he had been the king of them all.

The funeral had been surreal and fake. All these people attending, yet none of them really knew him, or even liked him and he certainly had not liked them. In fact the only people that should have been there was Nate, his father, his mother and her. Nor Serena, nor anyone else, yet they had all been there, looking all sad. It had been the perfect funeral, but Blair wished for once that it hadn't been. Perfect wasn't Chuck, far from it actually, they all knew it. He was damaged and bruised.

There was no escape from his hunting eyes. She could feel them burn on her every time she slept. Not that she slept much since all this had happened, how could she? He was gone and she could not bring him back.

He had been there for her when she had needed someone. He had always been there for her. Whenever Nate had treated her like trash, or when Serena was to busy with that Dan boy, he had been there for her in form of a shoulder to cry on, her partner in crime or her guarding devil. He had been there with her to the day she betrayed him.

Heartache shot through her like a bullet. How could she have done something so heartless to him? She wouldn't have though twice about it if it had been towards anyone else, but when it was Chuck, the rules changed. For him, she had special rules. He had been her secret best friend and secret lover. And now he was the secret holder of her broken heart.

For he had fallen for her, he had had butterflies, which she was determined to murder. Because she was Blair and she was perfect. She could not afford to have a guy like Chuck to ruin her perfect image. Though her plan did not go the way she wished it had and instead of ending in bed with Nate, she had ended up with Chuck and his butterflies. It was suppose to be a stupid mistake between two friends, but some how it ended up as so much more until Nate managed to pull her in with his Prince Charming ways and she had let him even though she was committing secretly to Chuck.

Only Serena seemed to know that there was something wrong with Blair. She could notice that she tensed every time someone mentioned Chuck or every time Nate gave her a kiss or a hug. Something was wrong and she needed to find out what.

"Blair, can you come here for a minute?"

Blair sent a look to Serena, rolling her eyes, "I'm on my way!" she yelled back.

"I better see what Eleanor wants now, I'll be right back." she laughed and rose from the bed they were currently sitting on. As soon as Serena heard the clicking from Blair's shoes disappear, she jumped of the bed and stared looking around. This was her only chance to find out what was wrong with Blair. She did it carefully though, because B would surly see if anyone had messed with her perfection. She kept opening the draws and looking trhough closets when she spotted what looked like a black necklace box. She carefully took it out before quickly looking at the door just in case. Serena opened the box and found nothing. But wait, something was sticking out from underneath. She lifted the pillow that the missing necklace was suppose to lie on and removed the thing that had been sticking out. She looked at it and saw a happy couple looking back at her. To her surprise it was not the couple Serena had expected, but instead Blair and Chuck. She knew that B and Chuck had been friends, but she only thought it was because of Nate, not that she had ever understood why anyone would ever had befriend such a person, but it seem like she had been mistaken because on the photo they looked more like best friends or a couple rather then just acquaintances. Blair looked happy. Not the fake happy that she showed everyone these days, but the genuinely happy that Blair hadn't been in such a long time. Her eyes where sparkling with happiness and joy, while she wore a devilish smile that reminded Serena of the person next to B in the photo. Her eye's slid over to _him_. He was smiling, no trademark smirk in sight, instead he looked happy, which was strange. Chuck Bass was never happy. She looked at his eyes and saw none of that superior being glint that always glanced in his eyes, all she saw was happiness and…Love? No, that couldn't be right. Chuck Bass only loved three things; money, the pleasures money gave him and Nate. They all knew that, yet there he was and the only words she could come up with, was happiness and love. She studied the photo a bit more, noticing small details, like for instance, Blair had been the one taking it, that it seemed like Chuck had something one his cheek that reminded her of Blair's lipstick. Before she could look any closer though, Serena heard Blair heals clicking towards the door. She quickly put the photo back in the box and placed the box in its previous place. The door handle went down and Serena panicked, but almost as someone had answered her prays, Eleanor's voice rang through the hall, "Are you sure that's what you want?"

"Yes mother, I'm quite sure", Blair's voice was icy, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a guest and it's rude of the hostess to leave her guest for a long time." Serena made a silent run over to the bed just as the door opend up and Blair stormed in. She closed the door and leaned against it. Her eyes were blank as though she was close to crying.

"B, what's the matter?" Serena ran across the bedroom and pulled her best friend into a close hug. Blair didn't respond at first, but slowly Serena felt Blair wrap her arms around her as well before breaking completely down in a hysterical sobbing.

"Blair, what's wrong?" But all she did was continuing to cry.

"Are you gonna tell me why you suddenly just broke down after a chat with Eleanor?" Silence. "Did she say something? You know you just have to ignore it."

Blair remained emotionless and she couldn't get herself to look at Serena. She had been working so hard on not breaking down, then after weeks of success, what happens? She breaks down. That wasn't perfection.

"What was it that you wanted Eleanor to get you?" Serena asks this in such a low whisper that Blair _almost_ has troubles hearing her.

"A scarf. And a cologne."

"What kind of scarf and cologne?" Blair looked down, she is ashamed of herself for being like this. Being weak and vulnerable. Those are not words that exists in Blair's dictionary. She mumbles her answer, not really wanting Serena to find out.

"Huh? I didn't hear you."

Blair takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, "the scarf _he_ wore and the cologne that _he_ wore." With that Blair broke into tears.

"I need him, why isn't he here? I need him! He is suppose to be here! I woke up early today with a smile upon my face. I got out of bed and made everything ready. I didn't realize it before after I had laid the movies perfectly spread out on my bed." Serena looked confused, _'what the heck was B talking about?' _

"You kind of lost me there…"

"Today. Today! This day!"

"Um…?"

"You don't remember? Of course you don't! It's not like you cared for him anyway", Blair's voice was cold as ice, but you could also spot a hint of sadness. '_How could she not remember? He had been in their group after all, it was expected to remember such things.' _

"Wha- Blair, what day is it today?" Blair mumbled something, which S once again did not catch. Obviously she needed to check her hearing. "Sorry, I didn't catch that."

"IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY!"

"…Oh." A long silence flooded the room

Serena was speechless. She had never known. All these years, and yet she had not noticed the hidden friendship between B and Chuck.

"But Chuck…you said it yourself, he was heinous. I just don't get it. He was Chuck Bass; the womanizer, the player, your friendly neighbourhood rapist!" Serena immediately regretted saying the last thing when she saw the look on Blair face. Emotions flashed over her face and tears were threatening to fall, then just like that Blair's face turned hard and cold. It made her look like she was a porcelain doll.

"You never bothered getting to know him. None of you did. He is dead, and yet all you can remember him by is those things? He was there when I needed him the most. You left, remember? I had no-one, but he came over as soon as he heard the news. He sat with me and comforted me and held me. And when Nate started acting weird", Blair rolled her eyes, "he was there with 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'. He actually started saying the lines with me. We both had our roles. He was my best friend and I want him back! He was the one I always knew never would leave me."

"Blair-"

"He promised me."

"Blair, he-"

"Chuck Bass never breaks a promise."

"Blair, listen to me!"

"He told me that he was looking forward to the pancakes."

"Stop." Serena closed her eyes in desperation.

"I learned how to make them."

"Wait, what? "

"Yeah, I Blair Waldorf made Rosa teach me how to make pancakes just to make Chuck happy."

"Wow."

"Yeah…" Blair whispered. "Yeah..."

They were silent for a long time, Serena prosessing what she just leared and Blair was lost in thoughts of the late Bass jr.

"Blair?"

"Mm?"

"Don't get mad, but the picture in that empty necklace box…, Serena looked at Blair with uncertainty, "um, you looked so…_close_." Blair imidiatly went into defencive mood and snapped. "I told you, he was my best friend."

"It- it looked like you were a bit more then that B."

"Fine! We sleep together, okay?! He had butterflies and we slept together." Serena mouth hung open from the shock. Never in a million years would she ever have thought…

"Close you mouth S, it's distasteful." Serena immediately did as she was told. It was alsmost amusing how Blair could be all heartbroken and yet managed to worry about someone else being "distasteful, as she said.

"You- But Nate? Butterflies? Huh?!" Blair put on her braves face and looked Serena in the eyes.

"It was after my break-up with Nate. I wanted an escape and Chuck offered me one. I arrived at Victrola and talked to Chuck. We drank and he drove me home. We kissed in the limo, and one thing lead to another…", Blair sighed. It was hard for her to retell the story, yet alone to think about it.

Serena still looked like she was in total shock, but quickly recovered. "But... wait! Your birthday party! I saw the two of you, remember but you just said that it was nothing."

"Then at my birthday party, after being disappointed and humiliated by Nathaniel once again, Chuck told me he had butterflies and he gave me," Blair raised her hands to her neck and reviled what looked like a very expensive necklace, "this."

"it's the necklace from Emerson Berson!"

"I know."

"You've been wanting that for ages."

"I know."

"Oh my."

"So what happened after that?"

"How could I be so stupid?! I was happy, but happiness was not my plan. My plan was to go to Yale, marry Nathaniel and climb the social latter. He knew it, I knew it. Yet we continued until Nate decided he wanted me back. And for once Chuck Bass didn't get what he wanted." Blair sighed while a couple of tears silently rolled down her cheek.

After a few hours of just sitting together in silencen, Serena had to head home for an important family dinner, but before she left she promised to be back as soon as possible together with a huge pile of comfort food.

When Serena comes back, she is informed that Blair is in her room, sleeping. Dortha says that she didn't want anyone to visit, but Serena won't take no for an answer and she runs up the stairs before the maid could stop her. When she enters the room, she never would have expected the sight that greets her. The room that had always been so incredibly clean looked like it had been hit by a bombe. The floor was covered with pictures and bottles, jewellery and dresses… She looked at the bed and spotted B lying like she was protecting herself from something with a familiar scarf wrapped tightly around her neck and with the picture from the box by her pillow.


End file.
